Today is my 40th birthday! What an interesting moment in the simulation

07-25-2026

My 40th Birthday

Turning forty feels different than I imagined it would. I always thought I would reach this age with certainty, like I would finally have everything figured out. Instead, today feels more like standing at a checkpoint in the middle of a long journey. I find myself looking behind me with gratitude, but also with a heavy amount of regret. I look ahead with hope, knowing there are still parts of myself that I have to confront before this journey is over.

This morning I sent my mom a text message telling her I wished I had been a better son. A better son to her and a better son to the family I was born into. That message came from a place that has been sitting quietly inside me for years, but today it felt impossible to ignore. The regret weighs heavy on me. I wish I had bought my mom a house. I wish I had made enough money on paper to give my parents the easy, peaceful life they deserved. I tried only 59% to give them a good life. They are both retired now because of my actions but i deeply regret how i went about it in life. I just so weird how much I want to give my parents a good life towards the end of their life. They both sacrificed so much of their lives to give me a good life when i was younger only way is to return the favor in my opinion.

I wish I had brought more harmony to our family instead of more chaos. I wish I had chosen a more conventional path instead of constantly trying to find shortcuts through crime, gambling, and unconventional ways of making money. At the time those decisions felt exciting. They felt like freedom. Looking back, I realize a lot of it was simply me trying to avoid taking the slower, harder road that most people take. These are the kinds of thoughts that become impossible to hide from yourself when you reach a milestone like forty.

One of my biggest regrets is losing what I built. There was a moment in my life where I genuinely felt like I had beaten the video game. I had accumulated eight figures. I felt like I had won. Then somehow I managed to loses so much of it away, lose opportunities, and watch everything slowly disappear.

Ever since then, life has felt like one long downswing. No matter what I touch lately, it feels like I cannot win. Trading. Poker. Business ventures. Sports betting. Investment ideas. Every time I think the tide is finally turning, another wave knocks me back down. It honestly feels like there is a dark cloud following me around. Logically I know everyone goes through seasons and that luck eventually changes, but emotionally it is much harder to believe that when you have been living inside the storm for so long.

It is a strange experience because I have also lived through the complete opposite. I know what it feels like when everything you touch turns to gold and opportunities seem to appear effortlessly. Experiencing both extremes has taught me that luck, timing, momentum, and life itself are far more mysterious than most people are willing to admit.

As heavy as those regrets feel, turning forty has also given me something I never thought I would have. For the first time in my life, I genuinely enjoy being the person that I am. Most of my life I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I was constantly trying to become someone else, constantly chasing validation, success, approval, or the next achievement because I believed maybe that would finally make me enough. It never did.

Somewhere over the years something quietly changed inside of me. There is a peace that has come with age that I never expected. I genuinely enjoy spending time by myself now. I enjoy my own company. I enjoy my own thoughts. I have finally learned how to create happiness internally instead of constantly searching for it outside of myself.

I love that I dance without caring what anyone thinks anymore. I love that people describe me as someone who brings light into a room. That still surprises me because I was never that person growing up. I spent so much of my life carrying darkness inside me that I never imagined I would become someone whose presence makes other people smile.

When I look at my own evolution, it honestly feels like watching a butterfly emerge after spending years trapped inside a cocoon. I still have flaws. I still make mistakes. I still carry regrets. But the energy I bring into the world is completely different than the energy I carried twenty years ago.

Today I genuinely want every person who crosses paths with me to leave feeling a little happier than they did before we met. More importantly, I have finally learned how to bring that same peace, joy, and kindness back into myself.

That transformation did not happen overnight. It came from years of therapy, somatic work, healing modalities, uncomfortable conversations, spiritual exploration, brutal self-reflection, and simply having enough time alone to figure out who I really was underneath all the masks I wore. Having the freedom, the resources, and incredible friends to walk that journey with me made all the difference.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that healing is not something you finish. It is something you practice. Every year another layer falls away. Every year you meet another version of yourself that was quietly waiting underneath all along.

So this is where I am at forty. A man filled with gratitude and regret at the exact same time. A man who wishes he had been a better son. A man who wishes he had made different financial decisions. A man who has experienced unbelievable highs and devastating lows. A man who still believes his best chapters have not been written yet.

Maybe this birthday is not about celebrating what I have accomplished. Maybe it is about honestly accepting where I stand today. Owning every mistake. Appreciating every lesson. Forgiving myself for the things I cannot change while carrying enough regret to become a better man tomorrow than I was yesterday.

I also thought it would be interesting to capture this exact moment in my life. Every decade changes us. The things that consume us today may not even matter when we are fifty, sixty, seventy, or eighty. I want to remember what my mind looked like at forty because I know it will not look the same forever.

These are the ten biggest fogs in my life right now in chronological order. The thoughts that occupy my mind the most.

1. Money obsession fog

2. Fixing my family fog

3. Peak stuck and upstuck in bankroll fog

4. Phone and Computer screen fog

5. Chasing new experiences fog

6. Chasing dopamine fog

7. Sex fog

8. Grass is always greener on the other side fog

9. Avoiding discomfort fog

10. Gambling fog (poker, sports, leverage trading)

The battles I am still trying to understand. The problems I am still trying to solve. Maybe one day I will read this again and smile because none of them matter anymore. At some point new fogs will be added to this list and some of my top fogs will be less important. What an interesting combination of fogs in my current reality at 40 years old. I will get super rich in the simulation that is all that matters.

Happy Birthday, Lancey Poo